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Yeah, sad, but I'm sat here watching Big Brother. So I thought I'd do a review of the contestants as they enter the house. Davina has confirmed that there are 13 of them this year, and the ad break is currently running. In a couple of minutes, we meet the first one!
1. Derek, 40, Speechwriter & Political Analyst, Battersea
Written speeches for Thatcher, Heseltine, Neil Hamilton, and others. Gay. Black. First ever black Master of Foxhounds. Dear god. A walking non-stereotype! This guy is either going to win, or get kicked out so fast you won't even notice him. Had a poster of Maggie on his wall as a teenager. A minute of him walking round the house going "gosh!" and I hate him already.
2. Leslie, 19, Temp Administrator, Huddersfield
Chav. Huge earrings. Boobs. This year's Jade. Will cause fights, or shag something, or just get kicked out early. Turned up in a tight PVC nurse's outfit. Owns 200 thongs and 70 pairs of French knickers. Won't win but will fill the tabloids for a bit. Doesn't like intellectuals - oh well.
3. Sam, 23, Marketing Student, Cheam
Oxford Brooks undergrad. Self-proclaimed centre of attention and superstar and horniest girl ever. What a twat. Kick her out right now. Will almost certainly have a fight with Leslie.
4. Maxwell, 24, Maintenance Engineer, North London
Wide boy. Opinionated. Actually I kinda like this bloke. He's straight-talking.
5. Vanessa, 19, Business Studies Student, Croydon
Bitch - well, she says so. Thick, simply because she says she isn't. I absolutely bloody hate her, and she is just going to get on my tits and be a public hate figure until she is kicked out. Convinced she can turn any gay man straight. Well, this should be interesting.
6. Anthony, 23, 70's Dancer, Consett
Vain, wearing Superman ("Supershag") pants at his audition. Standards drop when drunk but will try to shag anything anyway. Can't cook. Stage name is "Chico from Peurto Rico". Middle-of-the road contestant, won't win, will last a few weeks.
7. Roberto, 32, Teacher, Liverpool via Italy
Yep, this guy is Italian. Fancies himself, seemingly likes loud shirts. Paratrooper, windsurfer, done it all, so he says. That chest is waxed surely. Would least like to find Maggie Thatcher in the house... oops. Longest without sex 2 weeks. Drives a white van - his "passion wagon". He'll be popular with the laydees, but he's not a winner.
8. Makosi, 24, Cardiac Nurse, Zimbabwe
Quite calm, nice hair, rich girl, thinks she's some kind of princess. Devout Christian and used to be an elephant in her past life. Admires Bill Clinton and aspires to be... Whitney Houston. Sleep talks in a non-existant language. She'll do well, I think. Final four material.
9. Craig, 20, Hairstylist, Norfolk
Swears every other word. Makosi will not like that. Opinionated. Maxwell won't like that. God this guy has a gob on him, I just want to smash his face in, and no doubt many other housemates will too. Apparently has never read a book.
10. Mary, 30, Psychic/Writer, Atlantis
Believes she's from Atlantis, was abducted by aliens (7 times, but not for a year and a half). Yes, she's a stereotypical new-age hippy. She has a broomstick, so I guess that means she's a witch. Thinks mobile phones are goverment tracking devices. She has staying power, but only from a pure entertainment perspective.
11. Science (Kieran), 22, Entertainer/Entrepeneur
Massif, man, from da hood, yeah, man. Ghetto spokesman, face of today, man of tomorrow. Street poet, rappa, gangsta, James Dean wannabe, what is this guy on? And can I have some? Perfect comedy fodder, which will probably save him.
12. Saskia, 23, Promotions Girl
Yeah, she has boobs too. A "lad's girl" - loves footy and booze. Says she isn't racist but blatantly is. Dreams of being a footballer's wife. Wearing an awful dress. She'll be popular with blokes I guess, but as the biggest voters are girls, will be out at the first opportunity.
13. Kamal, 19, Student/Bellydancer, Liverpool via Turkey
Gay Muslim - possibly. Mister super-camp. Entered the house in drag - a red sari with gold embroidering. A total pretty boy, I have no idea what anyone is going to make of him or where he's going or coming from.
1. Derek, 40, Speechwriter & Political Analyst, Battersea
Written speeches for Thatcher, Heseltine, Neil Hamilton, and others. Gay. Black. First ever black Master of Foxhounds. Dear god. A walking non-stereotype! This guy is either going to win, or get kicked out so fast you won't even notice him. Had a poster of Maggie on his wall as a teenager. A minute of him walking round the house going "gosh!" and I hate him already.
2. Leslie, 19, Temp Administrator, Huddersfield
Chav. Huge earrings. Boobs. This year's Jade. Will cause fights, or shag something, or just get kicked out early. Turned up in a tight PVC nurse's outfit. Owns 200 thongs and 70 pairs of French knickers. Won't win but will fill the tabloids for a bit. Doesn't like intellectuals - oh well.
3. Sam, 23, Marketing Student, Cheam
Oxford Brooks undergrad. Self-proclaimed centre of attention and superstar and horniest girl ever. What a twat. Kick her out right now. Will almost certainly have a fight with Leslie.
4. Maxwell, 24, Maintenance Engineer, North London
Wide boy. Opinionated. Actually I kinda like this bloke. He's straight-talking.
5. Vanessa, 19, Business Studies Student, Croydon
Bitch - well, she says so. Thick, simply because she says she isn't. I absolutely bloody hate her, and she is just going to get on my tits and be a public hate figure until she is kicked out. Convinced she can turn any gay man straight. Well, this should be interesting.
6. Anthony, 23, 70's Dancer, Consett
Vain, wearing Superman ("Supershag") pants at his audition. Standards drop when drunk but will try to shag anything anyway. Can't cook. Stage name is "Chico from Peurto Rico". Middle-of-the road contestant, won't win, will last a few weeks.
7. Roberto, 32, Teacher, Liverpool via Italy
Yep, this guy is Italian. Fancies himself, seemingly likes loud shirts. Paratrooper, windsurfer, done it all, so he says. That chest is waxed surely. Would least like to find Maggie Thatcher in the house... oops. Longest without sex 2 weeks. Drives a white van - his "passion wagon". He'll be popular with the laydees, but he's not a winner.
8. Makosi, 24, Cardiac Nurse, Zimbabwe
Quite calm, nice hair, rich girl, thinks she's some kind of princess. Devout Christian and used to be an elephant in her past life. Admires Bill Clinton and aspires to be... Whitney Houston. Sleep talks in a non-existant language. She'll do well, I think. Final four material.
9. Craig, 20, Hairstylist, Norfolk
Swears every other word. Makosi will not like that. Opinionated. Maxwell won't like that. God this guy has a gob on him, I just want to smash his face in, and no doubt many other housemates will too. Apparently has never read a book.
10. Mary, 30, Psychic/Writer, Atlantis
Believes she's from Atlantis, was abducted by aliens (7 times, but not for a year and a half). Yes, she's a stereotypical new-age hippy. She has a broomstick, so I guess that means she's a witch. Thinks mobile phones are goverment tracking devices. She has staying power, but only from a pure entertainment perspective.
11. Science (Kieran), 22, Entertainer/Entrepeneur
Massif, man, from da hood, yeah, man. Ghetto spokesman, face of today, man of tomorrow. Street poet, rappa, gangsta, James Dean wannabe, what is this guy on? And can I have some? Perfect comedy fodder, which will probably save him.
12. Saskia, 23, Promotions Girl
Yeah, she has boobs too. A "lad's girl" - loves footy and booze. Says she isn't racist but blatantly is. Dreams of being a footballer's wife. Wearing an awful dress. She'll be popular with blokes I guess, but as the biggest voters are girls, will be out at the first opportunity.
13. Kamal, 19, Student/Bellydancer, Liverpool via Turkey
Gay Muslim - possibly. Mister super-camp. Entered the house in drag - a red sari with gold embroidering. A total pretty boy, I have no idea what anyone is going to make of him or where he's going or coming from.
