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First, a brief precis of the weekend: I helped Andy & Nay move from their flat
in Barnet to their new place in Slade Green. I was driver and van hirer, though
Nay's folks turned up at an ungodly hour on Saturday morning (not their fault,
I hasten to add) and chipped in on Sunday with a large trailer.
Sunday afternoon was spent in Ikea. I am now the proud, and immensely satisfied
owner of a black leather chair that recline and has wheels and spins and stuff.
It is my now home-in-a-home. The bookshelves I bought freed up lots of space,
but are secondary to my spodding comfort.
Oh, and my driving licence and passport, which had *no* right whatsoever being
in the pile of stuff I found them in after over half an hour of looking, have
been relocated to their own private wooden tray (another Ikea purchase).
in Barnet to their new place in Slade Green. I was driver and van hirer, though
Nay's folks turned up at an ungodly hour on Saturday morning (not their fault,
I hasten to add) and chipped in on Sunday with a large trailer.
Sunday afternoon was spent in Ikea. I am now the proud, and immensely satisfied
owner of a black leather chair that recline and has wheels and spins and stuff.
It is my now home-in-a-home. The bookshelves I bought freed up lots of space,
but are secondary to my spodding comfort.
Oh, and my driving licence and passport, which had *no* right whatsoever being
in the pile of stuff I found them in after over half an hour of looking, have
been relocated to their own private wooden tray (another Ikea purchase).
That's all changed now - until I get this out, I'm not going to sleep, and anyway, even once I have, sleep will not come easily, never mind that it wouldn't anyway because of the heat.
This may be just yet more tripe, uttering the same old rhetoric again and again from yet another minute change of angle. On the other hand, it may not, but who's counting, I sure as hell ain't and I wouldn't expect any of you lot to have been.
Even now I'm not sure of the best way to put things. There are lists of questions, I could write a list of questions and answer them, but they're not really questions, they're doubts, a load of little doubts that all add up to one big huge shadow that hangs over me day and night regardless of where I am and what I'm doing and who I'm with.
What it boils down to, or what I've boiled it down to this time, Whatever Deity You Choose To Believe In knows what it'll be next time, I can't remember what it was last time, and frankly, I don't give a damn, what it all comes down to, my frame of mind, every little detail that bothers me always comes back to this, no matter how far removed it was to start off with:
I just can't accept the fact that people like me.
I can understand why people like me, I can nod my head and smile and hug and all that, but, in the end, I just can't accept it. I'm not saying I don't want to, I just DON'T KNOW HOW. Can I say it any bloody louder than that?
Every word I say, every action I take, every word I don't say, every action I don't take... from my point of view, I see it as an attempt to alienate people from me, because then I won't have to worry about people liking me if nobody will want to talk to me. Or be with me. Or acknowledge me.
Oh, and I'm stuck in a flat miles away from anyone else. That's my fault too. I have a habit of making bad decisions like that. My social life is still arranged by everyone but me. I just don't know how to try to sort that out, I had a go but there's no momentum left and I'm sinking back to the bottom of the pit. Or I've sunk, and in the meantime it's got even deeper and the walls are steeper than ever before.
How can anyone know just how bloody frustrating it is to be me? To look at everyone I know happily interacting at a whim, whilst I just struggle to keep
up and by the time I'm there I'm out of breath and it all moves on again at such a pace that I can't hold on any more. If someone can tell me how to get two decades of experience like that crammed into my head in the minimum space of time with me on my own - and I mean physically, every moment I spend way
from company is a moment that the doubts use to creep back in and invade my every thought, I can't escape it, I need distraction and I need constant, vigilant reminders that I'm not really alone, that I'm just on my own for the time being.
I can't see a way out, because maybe there isn't one. How the hell can I think that there is one when every corner I've turned has always dumped me back where I started?
This may be just yet more tripe, uttering the same old rhetoric again and again from yet another minute change of angle. On the other hand, it may not, but who's counting, I sure as hell ain't and I wouldn't expect any of you lot to have been.
Even now I'm not sure of the best way to put things. There are lists of questions, I could write a list of questions and answer them, but they're not really questions, they're doubts, a load of little doubts that all add up to one big huge shadow that hangs over me day and night regardless of where I am and what I'm doing and who I'm with.
What it boils down to, or what I've boiled it down to this time, Whatever Deity You Choose To Believe In knows what it'll be next time, I can't remember what it was last time, and frankly, I don't give a damn, what it all comes down to, my frame of mind, every little detail that bothers me always comes back to this, no matter how far removed it was to start off with:
I just can't accept the fact that people like me.
I can understand why people like me, I can nod my head and smile and hug and all that, but, in the end, I just can't accept it. I'm not saying I don't want to, I just DON'T KNOW HOW. Can I say it any bloody louder than that?
Every word I say, every action I take, every word I don't say, every action I don't take... from my point of view, I see it as an attempt to alienate people from me, because then I won't have to worry about people liking me if nobody will want to talk to me. Or be with me. Or acknowledge me.
Oh, and I'm stuck in a flat miles away from anyone else. That's my fault too. I have a habit of making bad decisions like that. My social life is still arranged by everyone but me. I just don't know how to try to sort that out, I had a go but there's no momentum left and I'm sinking back to the bottom of the pit. Or I've sunk, and in the meantime it's got even deeper and the walls are steeper than ever before.
How can anyone know just how bloody frustrating it is to be me? To look at everyone I know happily interacting at a whim, whilst I just struggle to keep
up and by the time I'm there I'm out of breath and it all moves on again at such a pace that I can't hold on any more. If someone can tell me how to get two decades of experience like that crammed into my head in the minimum space of time with me on my own - and I mean physically, every moment I spend way
from company is a moment that the doubts use to creep back in and invade my every thought, I can't escape it, I need distraction and I need constant, vigilant reminders that I'm not really alone, that I'm just on my own for the time being.
I can't see a way out, because maybe there isn't one. How the hell can I think that there is one when every corner I've turned has always dumped me back where I started?
.