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The Story of Cla(i)re and ?, or "The Two Drunk Lesbians"
One night, while Neil was trying to get to sleep (it was, ooh, 2am?), two people walked up the street outside of his home.
These two people, it transpired, were called Cla(i)re and ?. ? proclaimed much love for Cla(i)re. "I HATE YOU!" retorted Claire. "I LOVE YOU!" exclaimed ?. After a bit, judging from the sound of the voices alone [Ed: Alexis didn't peek through the curtains to see what was going on, honest!], it became clear the Cla(i)re and ? were women.
"DON'T LEAVE ME!" protested ?. "I GHERKIN HATE YOU!" screamed Cla(i)re [Ed: the word 'gherkin' has been used to replace an expletive that more sensitive readers may find offensive. The special edition with all the swear-words un-beeped will be available in 6 months' time, and will include extensive making-of documentaries, behind-the-scenes looks at how Neil built the Ikea(tm) Malm(tm) chest of drawers in his bedroom, interviews with witnesses, and exclusive, never-before-seen deleted scenes featuring Neil's radio alarm clock. Price: 39.99 of your British Sterling Pounds].
"I WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOU!" ? remonstrated. "I HATE YOU!" shouted Cla(i)re.
After some minutes, this pair wandered off down the street, continuing their debate in earnest, and leaving the sleepy residents of Woodside Park Road to continue in their unoblivious slumber.
I will always wonder what happened to Cla(i)re and ?. Did they make up their differences? Were they hauled away by the police and brutally man-handled into tiny isolation cells, where they were fed on nowt but stale crumbs and sweat until they confessed? Does anyone actually give a monkey's about two people shouting at the tops of their voice for a quarter of an hour at two in the morning?
Yeah, you're right: this one has legs, it's a cash cow, watch out for the sequel in a couple of years' time! Merchandise in stores now!
These two people, it transpired, were called Cla(i)re and ?. ? proclaimed much love for Cla(i)re. "I HATE YOU!" retorted Claire. "I LOVE YOU!" exclaimed ?. After a bit, judging from the sound of the voices alone [Ed: Alexis didn't peek through the curtains to see what was going on, honest!], it became clear the Cla(i)re and ? were women.
"DON'T LEAVE ME!" protested ?. "I GHERKIN HATE YOU!" screamed Cla(i)re [Ed: the word 'gherkin' has been used to replace an expletive that more sensitive readers may find offensive. The special edition with all the swear-words un-beeped will be available in 6 months' time, and will include extensive making-of documentaries, behind-the-scenes looks at how Neil built the Ikea(tm) Malm(tm) chest of drawers in his bedroom, interviews with witnesses, and exclusive, never-before-seen deleted scenes featuring Neil's radio alarm clock. Price: 39.99 of your British Sterling Pounds].
"I WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOU!" ? remonstrated. "I HATE YOU!" shouted Cla(i)re.
After some minutes, this pair wandered off down the street, continuing their debate in earnest, and leaving the sleepy residents of Woodside Park Road to continue in their unoblivious slumber.
I will always wonder what happened to Cla(i)re and ?. Did they make up their differences? Were they hauled away by the police and brutally man-handled into tiny isolation cells, where they were fed on nowt but stale crumbs and sweat until they confessed? Does anyone actually give a monkey's about two people shouting at the tops of their voice for a quarter of an hour at two in the morning?
Yeah, you're right: this one has legs, it's a cash cow, watch out for the sequel in a couple of years' time! Merchandise in stores now!